By Myself, But Not Alone
by Pame-chan
Summary: One Shot! Pan sinks into addiction to run from the pain in her life. Will anyone hear her cry for help? A story of a very under-appreciated couple in DBZ. Uub and Pan. Rating for drug abuse content and major angst. R&R!


Hello Everyone! I'm back at it again! *grins* I have found a new obsession: Uub/Pan fanfics! I don't know why, but when I picture them together, they make a lot of sense, maybe even more than T/P's. So here it is! This one is full of angst. I don't really know what got me to write such a depressed fanfic. Anyway, the rating is for the material, as it has cussing and drug- related scenes. I don't know if Brolly was around the time Gohan and Videl were frolicking around. But in this fanfic he was. ^_^ This is a one shot. Hope you like it! Pan's age at beginning: 14; Uub's 19.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
By Myself, But Not Alone  
  
*No! Grandpa! Don't leave again!* She thought sadly now looking at Goku leave once more, this time on Shenlong's back.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
*Every thing has gone to shit. Why is life so complicated?* Pan thought watching a drop of rain slide down the window. She was hugging her knees protectively. *Why can't it be just like that drop of water?..............simple. Everything's so wrong.*  
  
*I wish I could help her. But she won't let me.* Gohan sighed. *And it's all my fault* He ran his hand through his head in frustration as he remembered the event that triggered all this non-sense.  
  
~Flashback Gohan's POV~  
  
"..................I can't believe she would just run off like that...................so many times now." I said pissed off. Pan had run off again. This time for over a week............over a week of worrying about her. "If she ran off again, I don't think I would want her back in my house." Defeated, I said looking down.  
  
"Are you giving up on her!?!" Videl asked. The tears that burned her yes now burned my own. "Please understand Gohan. These are tough years for any teen, let alone one that doesn't have self-esteem. She was devastated when Goku left. Now her father will too?" She punched my chest.  
  
HMMMM what was that noise? Probably the rain.  
  
"Do you have the heart to do that to your daughter?" She asked me with spite. I can't stand it anymore! Everything is driving me nuts! Life isn't supposed to be like this!  
  
"Daughter, MY daughter?" I yelled throwing my arms up in the air, I can't control my anger anymore. "She's not even my daughter and I have to put up with her shit? Daughters are supposed to be the product of love! Love Videl! Not rape! You expect me to love her as MY child when I see that asshole in her face every time I look at her?" What the fuck am I saying?  
  
Videl now looks as enraged as I am. She comes up to me and points her finger straight at me. She must be furious, she never does that. "I don't regret having Pan." She said between her teeth. I hear the door squeak.  
  
"Were you ever planning to tell me this?" I turn immediately to see Pan at the door. Tears were running down her face. I realize my mistake now. I love Pan so much................I can't stand seeing her cry.  
  
"And you expect me to 'tell you stuff'? I've been right my whole life: I AM alone!"  
  
Videl tried to hug Pan. Pan turned around to leave. "Please don't leave Pan, we'll work this out."  
  
"You should've had an abortion, so GOHAN'S life wouldn't be so fucked up!" Pan said with a spite that pierced my heart.  
  
Now I try to hug her. "I'm staying because of mom." She looked sadly at me and ran to her room. I'm somewhat relieved; I thought she would leave the house for sure.  
  
~End flashback and Gohan's POV~  
  
"Pan-chan..............Pan. I think we need to talk." Gohan said entering Pan's room. "I'm sorry for what I said earli-"  
  
"I just want to be alone............." She said flatly. "I won't give up on you." Gohan said softly leaving her room.  
  
Pan looked again at the rain pouring outside of her window with tired eyes. She was so tired, tired of her life, tired of being left out, tired of feeling sad and lonely the whole time. Yes, the whole time. The truth is that sorrow had been taking over her life slowly since her grandpa left for the first time. *Damn that Uub.* She thought frowning. That was the start of it all.  
  
Her father............Gohan started to act indifferent towards her. In fact that's why she would pull her little stunts; she missed her daddy's attention. Now even more since she didn't have her grandpa's. Then he came back and she joined him in his journey through space. She was happy to be with her grandpa again, but what do you do when you suddenly live with someone you hadn't seen for ten years? *If only he wouldn't have left in the first place...........Damn that Uub!!!!*  
  
Then he left again. Only this time it was not a great deal. She had found new friends in Bra and Marron, and yes, even Trunks and her uncle Goten. Again her life started to make some sense, but they were all older than her. She couldn't tag along whenever they decided to go clubbing, not anymore. Not only that, they had all started dating and got the wonderful idea to all go together in a big............date. Now she was the odd man out. She felt like a kid who lost in the first round of musical chairs. Crying, on the floor............and no chair.  
  
She had become something disposable. You use it and you're quite happy with it, but then it becomes useless and you have no choice but to throw it away. *Why did I open my heart to these people? They were going to throw me away in the end...................Starting with grandpa. It's like my opinion didn't matter to him!...................DAMN that Uub!!!!*  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
~Pan's POV~  
  
We have a 'Z Gang picnic' today, this time at my house. It's been five years since my grandpa left with the dragon...........maybe I shouldn't call him grandpa anymore. HMMM everyone is here.............yes, even that damn Uub. What the hell is he doing here anyway? That bastard took ten years from our family! Didn't he know Goku already had a family? A little kid to train? Why him and not me? *sigh* then again I wouldn't have been all that powerful if I'm not Gohan's daughter.  
  
I take a big gulp from my very spiked drink -courtesy of the local liquor store- AHHH Vodka will never betray me! I'm sitting in a tree, watching everyone enjoy their selves without my presence. They must really hate me. Nobody noticed I left of course. It's been five years since they haven't noticed.  
  
I'm nineteen, I finished high school last year.....barely. It was embarrassing to think I was going to be on the five year plan. However, I must admit that I wouldn't have graduated on time if that Gohan and my mom weren't there. Gohan's pretty persistent. He's kept the word he gave me five years ago.  
  
"Why so lonely?" Pfff, who dares to take my sweet solitude away? It's that damn Uub. I can't help but to give him a dirty look. I jump off the tree and push him away saying my ever so famous phrase: "Fuck off!" But I really mean it when I say it to him. It's this asshole's fault my life is so fucked up. HMM he only gives me a strange look; he can tell I'm drunk.  
  
I walk over to the table. Everyone is laughing and joking..................again, without me. Don't they care?  
  
"Pan! Why don't you join us?" I hear Bra say. What a hypocrite! I know she hates me the minute me and my so called family turn our back on her. "Don't bother being nice. I don't deserve it........right? Isn't that what you said to my uncle about a year ago?" I say, it's hard to speak right with all this alcohol.  
  
"Hey! I was having fun!" I yell at Gohan. He took my sweet liquid companion from me. Pff, if only he knew all the shit I take to get 'happy.' He smells MY cup and only looks down and shakes his head. He's giving up? No! Don't give up on me! You promised!  
  
"Pan, you're drunk-" "No shit!" I yell at Goten, Kami, when did they become strangers? I look around now. Everyone's looking at me with a disapproving look. Kami! Why do I care so much? Everyone looks at me the same way. Everyone, except for Uub. That's even worse! I don't need his pity! UGH! My stomach feels weird now. I run to the bathroom, I'm sure they don't want to watch my stomach pyrotechnics in action.  
  
~End Pan's POV~  
  
~Uub's POV~  
  
After the commotion passed a little, I excuse myself and enter Gohan's house. I don't know where Pan is. I know she hates me and doesn't want my help, but I can't help it. Something about her calls to me. It always has. I saw Pan cry her eyes out when Goku left on Shenlong's back. I hurt me to see her cry. Somehow, I feel it's my fault; I want to make it up to her.  
  
It's weird; ever since I first saw her I knew she was different; even from the already-different people that surrounded her. *sigh* I just wish I knew what pained her so much. It couldn't be ONLY Goku's absence. Especially because it seems she's angry with everyone. Finally! I hear her throwing-up in the bathroom. I open the door and I absolutely hate what I see. Why does she do this to herself? It's sad to see her like that.  
  
I grab a towel and wet it with cold water. Then I hold her hair back so it doesn't get even dirtier. Once she's done, she rests her head on the side of the toilet seat. She's exhausted. She opens her eyes groggily as I clean her face up. As I expected, she gives me a dirty look before saying: "What are you doing here?..................Eh! I'm too tired to yell at to you."  
  
"Can you get up?" I only say to her. Again she looks at me with disdain. "C'mon, you should sleep it off." I carry her to her room. I put her down on her bed and leave the room for a moment. On my way to get her a glass of water and a piece of bread, I still wonder what could make her so sad. She tries to look tough, but to me she just looks miserable. I'm so useless. I hate being useless. I hate seeing Pan suffer and not be able to help her.  
  
I enter her room again. She's still where I left her. I lift up her head to help her eat some bread; it will help her not get too sick to her stomach. Then I help her drink some water. "Better?" I ask her. She just looks away. "Why are you doing this?" She asks then looks back at me. The truth is....I have no idea, I just am. "You should get some sleep." I cover her body with the black comforter she owns......black, like her eyes. I would have undressed her so she would be more comfortable. But her reaction wouldn't have been a good one seeing she hates my guts. I smile at her. She just looks at me.......expressionless. Well, it's better than with hate. I turn off her lights and close the door.  
  
~End Uub's POV~  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan opened her eyes slowly. Feeling the pain the sunlight was inflicting on her head, she turned away from the window and looked at the hour '10:30.' She smelled food and opted to go downstairs. As she was descending the stairs, she remembered somewhat what happened the night before. She remembered the look Gohan and everyone else gave her. She frowned. She also remembered puking in the bathroom. *How did I get to my room?.....................* She thought, thinking it was scary to not remember what happened the night before. *......................HMMM I was at my house, nothing bad could have happened.* Once in the kitchen she saw Gohan reading the paper and her mom eating a slice of toast. She smiled to her mom and served herself.  
  
She sat down and Gohan looked at her above his paper. "Good morning." He spat. Pan felt a twinge of guilt. *Here comes a lecture.* "You should thank Uub next time you see him."  
  
*Why would I want to thank that asshole?* She thought appalled.  
  
"He cleaned you up and took you back to your room after your drunken show." Again he spat. *So that's what happened. Was I that bad that the person I hate the most helped me?* Pan thought back and remembered yelling at him, then at Gohan, Bra and Goten. Remorse overcame her mind and her brow furrowed. "I'm sorry about last night." She said quietly and quickly without thinking about it.  
  
Gohan and Videl looked at each other. *Pan hasn't apologized for five years now.* Gohan thought a little happier. Gohan was going to speak again, but he didn't want to ruin the moment or her mood, so he went back to reading his paper. The rest of breakfast was eaten in silence.  
  
*What am I thinking? Sorry doesn't solve problems. He doesn't even want to look at me......he has given up.* Pan thought sadly as she washed her plate and retreated to her room.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
~Goten's POV~  
  
It's barely noon and I can't wait to go home. I'm on my break right now. Uub and I opened a dojo in town. It's doing well, Mr. Satan being our sponsor and all. Uub and I also live together in an apartment above the dojo.  
  
*sigh* It's been five years since my dad left. I didn't understand back then. I was angry, he left again? Then Vegeta explained everything. How he couldn't come back anymore because Shenlong wouldn't allow it. I understand now, it wasn't really my father's will. Everyone is still sad that he's no longer with us, especially Pan. I didn't know she would take it so hard; she's become a totally different person. She's so cold now; it's hard to treat her the same way as before. Uub told me this morning about last night. Poor guy, he feels guilty that Pan's so depressed right now. But it's not his fault, we all suffered the same loss, she just took it a step further. It pisses me off, why does she have to be so anal about it? How can we help her if she won't help herself? Ugh! The students from my next class are here. Break's over.  
  
~End Goten's POV~  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan hadn't come out of her room all day. It was already five in the afternoon. *When did I let all this shit beat me?* Pan wondered. It's like everything came crashing down on her. She still couldn't stand how everyone looked down on her the night before.....like she was some kind of trash, like she had committed a crime. *Fuck them all!* She thought, taking off through the window.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan was walking through the darkening streets of town. It was pouring outside. The drops slid down her face, and she didn't care she was getting wet. She knew where she was going, but she seemed to walk just to see where her wet feet would take her. The sunlight was slowly fading away behind the clouds to the west. She reached the door that had what she was looking for. A familiar face welcomed her. "Hello Pan, came to get some?"  
  
Pan just smiled faintly. "How much do you want?" The young man said upbeat.  
  
"Whatever you can give me with this." Pan handed him some rolled up bills. "Wait here." The guy said. A minute later he came back out with two of pills in a small zip-lock bag. They had the letter 'OC' edged on them. "Here you go." He said shutting the door behind him. Pan crossed the street to a liquor store and got a small bottle of vodka.  
  
It was still raining, now all her clothes were soaking wet. She walked for a few minutes aimlessly, until she found an alley that would allow some privacy.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"I wonder where she could have gone." Gohan thought worriedly.  
  
"I don't know." Said Videl hugging him. "We can only wait."  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
She settled herself on the floor. She took off her belt and set it on her lap. Then she retrieved a syringe, a spoon and a lighter. She took a gulp from her bottle before grabbing a rock and crushed the two pills she had just bought.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
Bra and Goten entered Goten's apartment to find Uub watching TV. He had a different expression on his face than usual, and Goten couldn't read it. Bra thought she saw a combination of frustration, worry and sadness in them. She didn't say anything worried she would ruin her moment with Goten who was now pulling her to his room.  
  
*You'd think they'd at least warn you.* Uub thought angry at the couple, being able to hear the erotic noises coming out of Goten's room. Angrily he grabbed his coat and keys and left the apartment.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"I'm worried Gohan" Videl said sipping a cup of tea.  
  
"Maybe she's just thinking. I mean, she apologized for once in a long time. Something has changed. *sigh* Like you said, all we can do is wait." Gohan hugged Videl protectively. He then left the room.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Uub was angry to say the least. *Why am I feeling like this?* An endless amount of new feelings were overwhelming him, and he didn't even know why he was felling like this. *I left my village in search of that something I was longing for. A job, an apartment, money, health......What am I missing? I have everything.......almost.* He thought of a female companion, any female companion. Filled of frustration, he didn't watch where he was walking.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
Pan heated the contents of the spoon with her lighter. She sucked them into the syringe before tightening the belt around her left arm. She drank some more of that vodka she loved.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Bra was writhing on the bed shouting almost uncontrollably while Goten was thrusting faster and faster into her.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Gohan rushed to the room where Videl was. She had dropped her mug. Videl looked up to Gohan with a blank look on her face. *Pan!*  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan took the syringe and injected the contents into her arm. Opening and tightening her fist several times before releasing the pressure her belt caused on her arm...... Pan waited for a reaction.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Bra screamed as loud as her lungs would allow her as waves of pleasure washed over her body.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
*AAAHHHH This is the life* Pan closed her eyes and leaned her head on the wall letting the drops of water run over her cheeks, like tears.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
Goten joined Bra as an orgasm hit him. He tilted his head back and for a brief moment his hair turned blonde.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"What's wrong Videl?" Gohan ran over to her and took her in his arms. Videl only stared blankly at Gohan.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
The rain was subsiding a little when Uub noticed. He heard the cling of the contact between a bottle and the concrete floor and looked around seeing a bundle on the floor of an alley. It was a girl, a black haired girl.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"MMMMMMM Goten, that was so good!" Said Bra satisfied. Goten kissed her lips softly bringing her closer to him.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"It'll be ok Videl." Gohan didn't even know what Videl was so worried about.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Uub walked over to the bundle satisfying his curiosity. "Pan?" He crouched down and shook her a little. Her body fell sideways. *Oh Kami.* Uub took her and flew to his apartment.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
Bra and Goten heard the front door open and then shut, then the door to Uub's room shut, a little louder. Bra giggled knowing what bothered him. "I need to go to the bathroom." Said bra putting Goten's shirt on, and walking out.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"C'mon Pan, wake up." Uub said slapping Pan's cheek softly. Pan finally came to and looked around, somewhat frightened. "Where am I?"  
  
"It's ok, you're safe." Uub caressed her face. Pan looked at him wondering again why he would help her after she was so mean to him. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" Uub asked with pain in his eyes.  
  
Pan's eyes filled with tears. She knew the answer but she didn't want to admit it. "I heard somewhere that bravery is the willingness to show emotional need." He said smiling softly at her, holding her tight.  
  
Pan looked at his eyes and saw the honest desire to help her. She started sobbing. Uub only rocked her back and forward. "Please help me." She managed to say through sobs. Tightly, she grabbed on to Uub's shirt.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
On her way back to the bathroom, Bra heard someone crying in Uub's room. Curiosity got the best of her as she leaned on the door and decided to listen.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan had now stopped sobbing. Tears slowly ran down her face. Uub didn't really know what to say or if he should ask any more questions. "Why are you helping me?" Pan asked, sincerely wanting to know. *Because I love you.* He didn't notice what he'd just thought. He decided to show his care with actions rather than words and he just held her.  
  
"I was running away." She said after a long silence.  
  
Uub looked at Pan surprised she talked to him.  
  
"From the pain."  
  
"Pain of what?" He asked mechanically.  
  
"Everything. My grandpa, everyone else, Gohan."  
  
Uub gave Pan a confused look *Gohan?*  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Goten left his room thinking it odd that Bra would take this long in the bathroom. As soon as he saw her she put her finger on her lips signaling him to be quiet. Then she waved at him and he joined her in her eavesdrop on Pan and Uub.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"I was hurt when Goku left." Pan started. Uub was confused that she would call him only 'Goku' but knew better than to ask. "I became a nuisance to my parents. I ran off for days at a time to get away, and didn't tell them where I went. One day Gohan snapped and blurted out that I'm not his daughter. Someone raped my mom, and I'm THAT baby. I felt like my life was taken away from me. All I thought had made 'me,' was not even related to me. Then I found some refuge in my so called friends. Trunks, Marron, Bra and Goten. They were older than me, so they moved on to bigger and better things that came on with age. They all went out to clubs and bars, they dated, and one day they just stopped hanging out with me. Once again, I felt alone, and with out a life. In a way I was jealous, I'm still jealous. I wish I had someone to love me, to take me out and be romantic. Someone I could bring home for dinner." Pan stared blankly at nowhere in particular.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
When Bra heard this she covered her mouth and gasped silently looking at Goten. He looked back at Bra somewhat surprised. Guilt overwhelmed both for a moment.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Hearing herself tell her feelings with out inhibitions for the first time made her realize, that the source of her grief wasn't Uub, but her loneliness. "I-I'm sorry. I blamed everything on you. You must hate me." Pan said sadly.  
  
"What was that you took?" Uub asked, knowing it was the only answer he needed to solve the puzzle.  
  
"Oxy." Pan said looking down.  
  
"I don't want to be controlled by it anymore!" She hugged a surprised Uub. "I don't want to disappoint my parents anymore! I want to have my friends back!" Pan started to cry again. "I don't want to be alone!" She sobbed uncontrollably. "Shh." Uub caressed her hair.  
  
"You're not alone.  
  
I'm here.  
  
I'll help you."  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
It was midnight. Gohan and Videl were sitting in the living room, waiting for Pan to come back. But in the back of their head they knew she might not be back. The doorbell rang. Gohan opened quickly, finding Uub carrying Pan in his arms. Gohan looked worried and was about to snatch Pan from Uub's arms. "She's sleeping." Uub whispered, stopping Gohan from waking her up. Uub walked up to Pan's room and settled her on her bed.  
  
"What happened?" Gohan asked sternly, once Uub came back downstairs. Uub took a seat and started to explain everything as he saw it.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Pan found herself void of the warm embrace wrapping her just a few minutes ago. She opened her eyes and looked around. *My room.* She thought for a moment about going downstairs. *Uub's downstairs.* Pan felt his power level. She suddenly realized something. *How do I have an above human power level if I'm not saiyan?* She wanted her mom to tell her who her real father was. But could she go downstairs? Could she handle their looks of disappointment again? Surely Uub had told them everything......about her problem with Oxy Contin. *I'll just get it over with.* Pan left her room.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Videl looked up hearing someone coming down the stairs. "Pan!" Videl ran to hug her daughter. "Mom, who's my biological father?" Pan asked right away. Videl stepped back and looked down. "Brolly." Videl said quietly. It all made sense to Pan now. She smiled back at Videl reassuringly.  
  
Both Gohan and Uub looked up. Then Gohan stood up. "Pan, I know I'm not your fath-"  
  
"Wait." Pan interrupted him. "My father is not the one who conceived me. But the one who loved and took care of me like his own."  
  
Surprised, Gohan smiled at Pan. "Fuck the world! You're my dad. You never gave up on me and I won't give up on myself, not anymore."  
  
"We'll help you." Gohan hugged Pan, and she cried happy tears.  
  
Uub looked on the loving scene. He saw Pan smile for the first time in a long, long time. He found what it was that his life was missing, except that it had been there all along. *Pan.* Uub smiled.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Uub looked nervously at Pan. They were under the same tree were Pan had always hid from the world. Pan tilted her head to the side trying to figure out why Uub was so nervous. She reached out to caress his cheek. "It's ok, you can tell me." She said sweetly retrieving her hand. "Make me the happiest man alive and marry me." He said opening a little velvet box he took out of his pant's pocket.  
  
Pan looked wide-eyed at the ring, and then she looked back up at Uub. A smile graced her lips and it gradually became wider. She hugged Uub saying: "I will." They pulled back and he put the ring on her. They hugged again, this time tenderly. "I love you." Uub whispered. "I love you too." Pan whispered also. She was truly happy, because she wasn't alone anymore, she was never alone, and never will be.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
Well? Did you like it? Please let me know what you think. I was kind of inspired by Trainspotting, seeing the whole movie is about drugs, but the end was cool. The goal of this story was to make it angsty and show Pan finally seeking help and overcoming her problem and feelings.....after all, the first and hardest step is to accept your disease and ask for help. Maybe with more time I will write a full blown Pan/Uub with lemons. ^_^  
  
Well don't forget to review!  
  
Chica de las estrellas. 


End file.
